Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
