Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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