11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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