my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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