listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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