My room smells like vodka and shame
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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