guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
