Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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