I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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