Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
God, you're like boner-b-gone
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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