seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
