youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
