Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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