My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
