she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
