Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
