1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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