I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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