you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
