Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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