as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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