Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Randomize
