I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
