Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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