sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
did i walk over a car last night?
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize