Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
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