Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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