I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
