Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
