kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
