Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
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