Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
