just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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