need another drink. this is the easiest way
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
