how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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