we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
