I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
