I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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