Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
