A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Randomize
