So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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