No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
