There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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