I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
