Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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