no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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