ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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