I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
