Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
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