You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
