If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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