i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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