In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We're too hungover to prance.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Randomize
