New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
