so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
