ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
