Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
