I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
