guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Randomize
