i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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