Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Two words: blizzard sex
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
